Physical Healing. Check. Emotional Healing........

I feel the same way Ginny.

Here I am six weeks postpartum.  Feeling depressed as ever.  The only connection I've felt with my child is through breastfeeding.  Thank God I was able to breastfeed.  I can't imagine how hard the depression would be without that.  I knew having a baby would be hard, but I didn't expect to go through the worst depression of my life six weeks in.  Crying every time I take a shower, every commercial I see, crying at just about everything.  I realize I need to talk about this.  With everyone.

Talking has to help.

The craziest thing to me was that no one seemed to notice.  I told my mom that I was upset, and she said she thought something was up.  I talked to her about it for a little bit, and she said she felt the same way (at least a bit) when me and my brother were born.  We were both via c-section.  That got me thinking, I didn't think any less of my mother for having a c-section.  Not one iota.  Why did I feel like such a failure?

Me and my standing 8 week old

I hate that when someone asks about my baby, they also ask about her birth.  And then I say that I had a c-section, they immediately ask how big she was, and say "at least you didn't mess up your vagina".  Yeah, THANK GOODNESS for that.  Because this giant scar isn't a scarlet letter.  And people say "at least you have a healthy baby".  Do you think I'm not thankful for that?  But as my friend Stephanie said, "your birth and your baby are two different things.  You can be ecstatic for your baby and traumatized by your birth."

I was reading everything my husband could find on c-section depression.  It made me feel a little better.  I told my other sister in law (who was also pregnant) that I had read that I needed to mourn the loss of my birth.  I over heard my brother in law saying that he was mourning the loss of his Friday night.  I cried about that when I got home.  This road to healing was going to be harder than expected.

I started researching VBAC.  (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean)  Then I started to look up to see if my OB did VBAC.  Of course not.  I thought I hit a wall.  Then I thought, WHY would I even think of going back to that doctor in the first place??? The doctor that made me feel like we had a c-section because it was supper time. I fired him.  He didn't know it, but he was fired.

Someone had great neck control for an 8wk old.

I was spending my maternity leave with my sister in law Sharon and her newborn.  We talked and shared emotions.  She didn't have a c-section but she was so supportive and non judging of my feelings.  On Sept. 7th my other SIL Ruth gave birth (vaginally) to my beautiful niece.  One week later my best friend gave birth (vaginally) to her precious baby girl.  I really broke down.  Why could EVERYONE do this but me?  This was the first time I cried in front of my baby.  She cried too.  Then I really felt like crap.  I just wanted a do-over.  Another chance.  I wanted to give birth again right then and there.  I wanted to stand up for my self and say "no, don't induce me until 42 weeks.  Don't break my water.  Don't rush this babies birth.  Let me get up and walk around to move this baby down. Don't lie to me and tell me its time to push when its obviously not time."  My husband had been dong even more research and found the ICAN network.  I read story after story.  None were the same as mine, but a couple were close.  I joined the local group on facebook and nervously awaited the first meeting.

The first meeting was in November.  I almost didn't go.  I'm not good with groups, and I get so nervous that my stomach gets upset.  My SIL was supposed to go with me, but couldn't, and I forgot my phone at home.  I almost turned around.  There were a few more people there than I expected, about 12 I think.  We did introductions and the people who had successfully had VBACs shared their stories.  They were great to hear.  Two of them were hospital births, two were at home.  It was great to be around people that felt similar to me.  Not all the same.  But similar.  Some were more traumatized by the actual surgery, the interventions, and the loss of their births.  This meeting opened up my eyes to choices.  Choices I didn't know I had.  I didn't feel like I was stuck anymore.

My tattoo/scar 5 days post op.  Not a pretty
picture but that's what it looked like.

I researched doctors for weeks and finally found one that I'm happy with.  That being said I'm no where close to being pregnant yet.  But at least I have a game plan now.  The worst thing is that I'm not the best candidate for a VBAC.  I got to the pushing stage, and she didn't come out.  So its all unknown from here.  Is my pelvis too small to birth a baby?  Because I feel like my body will only create a child that is able to fit through the birth canal.  I don't think it will be easy, but I also don't think it's impossible.  I have a tattoo that reads, "fear less, hope more."  I used to follow those rules, but now its hard to do.