I've been busy with anxiety

Anxiety and Depression doesn't always look like it.

I've been meaning to post about postpartum anxiety.  But I've been busy with kids and dealing with anxiety so I just haven't had time.  My anxiety had been amplifying over the past 6 months, and this past month it hit a new record high.  On Nov 1st we had a small earthquake, in a location that rarely has earthquakes.  It was loud, the bed shook, and my husband and I ran outside to find out what was happening.  It was just the tip of the iceberg.
I already hadn't been sleeping well for a few weeks because the baby is working on molars.  She would be up anywhere from 3-10 times a night.  It never fails that the second I fall asleep, she wakes up.  Every. Single. Time.  Every time I would try to fall asleep I would feel anxiety about being woken up.  Then I couldn't fall asleep.  And inevitably when I would eventually fall asleep from exhaustion, she would wake up. After the earthquake I would feel it while trying to fall asleep.  I KNEW it wasn't happening but I still felt it.  Then fear and panic were keeping me awake.  I went an entire week with a few hours of crappy sleep each night and I knew I was on the verge of a breakdown.
I wanted to try a few natural things first.  I started running a little to help clear my mind. I took a few trips to the store without children.  I did some crafting.  I used my essential oils.  (they usually help curb my anxiety)  All these thing were good for my soul but they weren't helping me sleep.  A friend of mine suggested getting a massage from a wonderful massage therapist that I saw once while I was pregnant with my 3rd.  So I set up an appointment.
I told her about my sleeping and anxiety issues. She talked to me about how my hormones sounded off and about how my tight neck mussels could actually be worsening my anxiety.  She suggested I look into a few herbal supplements.  I felt sore but good leaving the massage.  I picked up some supplements and thankfully I have been sleeping pretty well since. (except for the teething baby wake ups)
Day to day anything is not easy when you are dealing with anxiety or depression.  This is just a PSA to not take things personally.  I don't want to feel the way I do and I certainly don't want to upset the ones I love.  Help me out when I'm going through a rough time, remind me it will be ok, most of all, be patient because some day I'll come out of it.
I am not saying a massage or vitamins will fix everyone's anxiety but its a good start.  If you are feeling depressed/anxious reach out for help.  Know you are not alone and that you are strong enough to get help.

Little teething booger

First photo courtesy of AmberA Photography  

5 years of guilt

     Five years ago we welcomed our first baby girl into the world.  It was a terrifying experience that left me feeling broken, guilty and depressed.  I loved that baby but I questioned everything about myself in the days that followed.  I questioned my body, my womanhood and my ability to parent. (which was all brand spanking new)
     After the first year or so, which was the beginning of writing this blog, I started to climb out of the depression I was in.  (you can read about that here, The First 6 Weeks )  My head was clear and I was feeling more like my old self.  We decided to expand our family and planned our VBAC.
     After the birth of my second daughter I was ecstatic!  But also tired and overwhelmed and I dealt with a bit of the baby blues.  Honestly the transition from working part time to full time staying home with 2 kids under 2 (with a horrible tear that took forever to heal) was more difficult that I expected.  I didn't have any friends that stayed home with their children and I felt lost.  I had done so much emotional work during my pregnancy that I felt amazing and whole again as a person but I was completely caught off guard by the pressure of parenthood.  We decided we were done having kids, that it was simply too stressful.
     So as life goes, we ended up with a third child.  The pregnancy was awful and I spent the first half of it ashamed for being pregnant, sick and just overall down and depressed.  I received a lot of negative comments about having a 3rd baby.  Mostly threats about how hard life would be with 3.  Half way through the pregnancy I worked on my emotions, dug deep, talked it out, and ended up feeling more upbeat and dare I say, excited.  The birth was wonderful, painful, and I had a great postpartum recovery.  Bonding was a breeze.
     As much as I worked on myself during those years, I never dealt with the GUILT.  And it occasionally catches me off guard.
     Times like tonight when I am rocking my youngest to sleep, I am tired and ready for me time, but I'm also enjoying it.  I don't remember "enjoying" it with my first.  I "enjoyed" more with my second but it was still a trying time.  And then I feel a twinge of guilt.  That I wasn't a better parent from that start.  I feel like I should have done something differently and handled the depression more aggressively.  That I should have found other ways to bond.  A lot of "shoulda woulda coulda" going through my head.
     Today I let go of that guilt knowing that my 5 year old KNOWS she is loved.  And that I did my very best.  That I continue to do my very best for my children.  I no longer need to hold onto guilt over a situation that I didn't have control over.  Every hug, every diaper changed, every bandaid applied, every time I've washed her hair, every art project I've swooned over, every dance party I've attended, every park we've gone to, every joke we've shared, every peanut butter and jelly sandwich I have cut into crazy shapes, every birthday party I've immersed myself in, and every bedtime song sung shows how much love I have for her.
     Happy 5th birthday sweet girl.  Goodbye momma guilt.